The hardest Sudoku puzzle

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 Becoming. Does that mean I am transforming into someone entirely different than before? If you placed five-year-old me next to seventy-year-old me, would anyone say we are the same? We wouldn’t even have the same cells. The child, I once was, would dive into a pile of fallen leaves, pretending nothing could stop me. But look at the older version of me. He might see a quiet farewell in the fallen leaves, a small reminder of time slipping away.

Why are we so different? And yet, aren’t we the same? Well, consider this. When I used to run down the school hallways with my friends, I had no fear. I was confident. I spoke, and people listened. I walked, and they followed. But look at me now. I hesitate before I speak, watching for reactions. I walk, adjusting my steps to match those around me. What changed? Can we still say I’m the same person as the child who always led others? How did I change so much?

People often say time changes us. I disagree. If I had chosen to cling to my childhood mindset, I could have. I could not have changed at all from my past self, even though the clock keeps ticking. But I didn’t. Or I couldn’t.

I had to grow up earlier than expected. Ironically, I learned how to smile from my lover’s depression - I had to smile to convince her I was okay. Ironically, I learned how to make my own dinner from isolation.

So, did my surroundings shape me? Not entirely. I could have let my emotions take over, expressing my stress, crying alongside them, blaming the world. I could have given in to frustration, let myself collapse under the weight of everything I was holding up. I could have chosen the easy way out: ignoring responsibilities, avoiding effort, numbing myself with distractions.

Imagine a massive Sudoku board with a timer flashing, reminding you that you don’t have enough time to think. My life felt like that - a puzzle I had to fill in, "any numbers", just to feel some control. I can still remember my first day in Mexico. Imagine not being able to speak the language, having to rely on a translator just to ask where the restroom is - right in front of the whole class. I had to place a “3” next to a “1,” not knowing if it was the right move. And yet, I wasn’t facing my challenges. I was avoiding them. Unlike my confident self in Korea, I hid in the corner of my computer room, wasting countless hours staring at a screen.



After a year, I had almost filled my puzzle, convinced I was making progress, until I realized I had done it all wrong. I had to erase everything and start over.

What was left? Nothing, right?

Not exactly. Even with an empty puzzle, I knew that every number I placed from here on out would be right. That every choice I made from here on out was mine, not something dictated by fear or circumstance.

So, am I finally becoming someone else? What made me change?

Yes. I have changed.

And I made myself different.

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